I just finished listening to the “death tape” from the Jonestown massacre. I can’t even put into words the sorrow and weight that’s on my heart right now. 900+ people. Babies, children. Today was the first I’d ever even heard of this. That, in itself is sad. Cults are a real thing and people should be informed. I keep trying to wrap my head around the whole thing and I can’t. In frustrated because I can’t understand.
I relapsed tonight. I’m so tired. I’m so so tired. I say how tired I am a million times a day. But I never realize how tired I really am until it all hits me at moments like these. I’m tired of this disgusting ED, I’m tired of immature ass high school, I’m tired of my drunk father, I’m tired of being taken for granted by everyone I bother to care about. I just want to be happy again. Genuinely happy. I don’t even remember how I got into this hole and of just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I seriously don’t know what to do anymore. No one believes I have a real problem because I know how to turn on the charm and smile like I’m not constantly plagued by all of this. I can’t take it I can’t take it I can’t take it. Mentally, physically, emotionally I’m done. There’s not a single fiber of my being is strong enough to handle any part of this. I’m so fucking tired. I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t tell anyone. No one really understands. All they can do is talk to me and SAY everything’s going to be okay. But it’s not. And that’s not what I need. I don’t need to be spoken to. I need help. I need literal help. I want help. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I lied. All those positive posts about how I turned my life around where lies. Yeah those events really happened but I wasn’t happy. I figured if I wrote about them and how happy I was then I’d actually feel it. No. I’m trying so hard to stick to my faith but this is no longer a spiritual issue. Everyday I get closer and closer. The thought that the only way I can truly rest is death.. It’s always there. Always at the front of my mind. Always a lingering thought. I don’t want to think like this. I don’t want to feel like this. But I also don’t want to be here. I don’t. I swear I don’t. I’m tired.
So there’s this man. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is he does to me, but he does it well. Without laying a single finger on me, he makes me stir. Makes me anxious. But it doesn’t stop there. He has this certain avoir un air. It intrigues me to the furthest extent. Causes me to be eager to guess his next thought, his next word, his next move. I want to mesh with him. His whole essence is regal. It almost intimidates me. I could almost go as far to see he sort of makes me want to better myself. It isn’t even the muscles that physically attract me. I could never see him and still feel the same way just from his words.
A crush of admiration.
I’m making a new tumblr. People in my town seem far too interested in this one. I don’t enjoy making a stir sooo I’m just gonna pack my things and move lol. Not sure when that new tumblr will be up & running seeing as though my laptop is being a bitch right now. Ugh. Any who I’ve been wanting to make a new for a while but now that people wanna copy paste and save my posts, to use maliciously against me, it’s definitely time to go. I use this site as my personal domain. Not to entertain people or blog about what they would like to see/read. Whew! Blog game so scressful lmao. I’ll probably follow most of you from my new tumblr.. That is of course, any of you who do not know me outside of tumblr or lives in my town. Toodles my dears!
Keeping up with me must be fun
Lmao how EMBARRASSING. Lesson learned🙌 but uh, tell me this, yall gonna let a nigga live now? Get off my tumblr.
Sooo lately I’ve been feeling super stressed about things. From prom, to money, to friends, etc. There’s been a lot going on at once. You know, I really felt like I had done a complete 360 but im starting to feel like im not as healthy as I thought. I dont think I have the mental ability and energy to deal with everything. It may not seem like anyhting at alll to you guys and it looks like im blowing everything way out proportion but this is how I truly feel about things.
In other bad news, I relapsed twice. Last night and today. I don’t know what’s going on but I really dont think its about weight anymore. I feel like its deeper than that now. I’ve been feeling better about myself and even became some what of a gym rat. Last night, I ate more than I usually do. My stomach started hurting terribly. I needed fast relief so I forced it up. Physically, I felt better but mentally, I felt broken. Same thing happened today. Idk, its weird. I literally felt like I had no other choice. I dont know about anything right now. Im tired, confused, and I feel like im right back at square one. I cant take this.
So. As you all know, I started my senior year off in a very dark place. I was struggling with bulimia and my self worth was at about… eh ZERO.Then there was the whole fiasco last month with one of my oldest friends and his girlfriend. Im really proud of myself for not letting that put me back in my dark mindset. But honestly, you really cant let these people see you sweat or break. I know that it was honestly some real willpower and God that helped me get through it. I can’t lie though, losing the one person I’ve been friends with for literally my entire life hurt like hell and still kind of does… But I cant dwell on it and whats done is done, The only thing to do is to move on. I’d be faking if I said I could forget about it. I think everything was a test of my will, my strength, and my faith. And that’s another thing, I have definitely rebuilt my relationship with God. It’s not 100%, but im working on it.
I feel and see myself maturing and growing everyday. But duh, that’s what im supposed to do. I mean I am going off to college in the fall. It’s really unfortunate to see my fellow seniors still acting like 8th graders and handling situations with rumors and hatred. But I sigh, I know it doesn’t end after high school. This is life and these people are everywhere.
In terms of the eating disorder, I feel for the most part I have resolved it on my own. I haven’t had an urge to purge (no pun intended) in such a long time. It feels soooo good to say that. I have turned into a fitness and health freak and I feel so much better about myself.
I cant really say my dark thoughts have completely left me though. Its strange and I cant really explain it. I’ll have moments where im up and bright then instantly im down and feeling really… just dark. I constantly have negative and pessimistic thoughts flooding my mind. I push them aside and more come. My immediate reaction to everything is negative. I can be super irritable then im sad for no reason at all. I get angry at everything. I dont care much about anything. I feel like im kind of just there. Floating by. Sometimes I wonder if this is clinical depression or am I just a teen? lol whatever.
As I come to an end in my high school career I’m doing some serious self reflection. Like a couple of weeks ago I may have been angry and super stressed, but now all I can do is shrug my shoulders and laugh about everything. I’ve jumped some huge hurdles and even tripped over some. On June 10, I can say I finished this race. I honestly believe i deserve a medal. The aspects of high school are simply idiotic and well, stupid. I can’t believe I let things get to me so much but it was all a learning experience. I’ve learned so much. Of course I’ve lost a lot but I really think I’ve gained so much more from the losses. Weird right? Between boys and friends, I’m over it all. I let go of everything and shook it off of me. I’m finally doing what makes me happy and not giving a single molecule of a fuck what people may say or do. You see, as I’ve grown I’ve realized you won’t ever be able to control what people do or say.. So why stress it? Never stress things you have no power to change. Everything that isn’t helping me move forward is, in the most literal sense, irrelevant. Some of the people I talk to dont like my new attitude because I no longer wish to engage in the silliness of highs school. I know all the drama doesn’t end after high school but I also know I have a choice on whether or not to feed into it. I also know everyone doesn’t grow out of it, which is quite unfortunate. I’ve learned how easy it is to cut people off. Just last week I cut ties with about 7 people. And honestly, there’s only 1 that I still feel some type of way about… BUT I know eventually I’ll get over it because life goes on. I’m more than happy to be surrounded by my 3 girlfriends and those other people who do care about me. I appreciate the love and I really couldn’t ask for any better girlfriends. When I was going through it, they came to my house at 11 at night just to comfort me. I know all friendships don’t last forever, but this is now. And right now things are great and I’m happy. I need to live in the now to distract myself from the past and future. I’m not necessarily pushing my issues aside. I’ve acknowledged them and accepted them. At this time all I can do is take the steps to move forward, create my own happiness, and work on my relationship with God. It’s so liberating. I hope the best for those who wish bad upon me and pray for their peace. Don’t mind my rambling.
All of you just shut the fuck up. All of you people are stupid imbeciles. Literally. Like I’m surrounded by bitter ignorance. It’s so sad that its funny. This one insignificant event literally has all of my town believing, not thinking, but believing I’m a “home wrecker”. Lmao I feel like a simple bitch just typing it. But ahhh the simple minds of young naive teens. They’ll get it later… Hopefully. I can’t really do anything about it except sit back, laugh, and get the fuck out of here. Toodles.
This is me speaking for the first time since my friend left my house at 10 PM last night. She thought I tried to OD. She came running and crying to my room. I mean, I knew I wasn’t gonna OD. I take big pills all the time. If I really wanted to kill myself I would have taken something much more stronger than what I took. I simply high. But clearly she didn’t know that. I appreciate her and her concern though. Seriously. Anyways, I don’t want to get into the details of what went on yesterday but let’s just say the shit hit the fan. I knooow I wasn’t the girlfriend with all the type of love she had for him, or the one who made him her world. I was just a friend. A friend of whom I’d felt like almost family for oh uhm idk, 15 years. He did this. I tried to stop it. He kept going. But I let him. I never wanted him. What tore me to shreds was the fact that he told my friend the only reason he tried to fuck me was because he wanted some attention and something easy. Easy!? If I was just sooooo fucking easy, why did you try for 3 months straight and still got NOTHING & NOWHERE. Then he proceeds to bully me through text calling me a piece of shit and I’m not worth shit and I’m ugly inside and out. Why? Why are you calling me all these things? Because you got caught and I sent all our texts to your girl? If he was just some other nigga I wouldn’t really care but no. He’s someone I felt extremely close to for 15 fucking years. He knew all that was going on with me and how fucking fragile and damaged I was. So he basically tried to take advantage of me being weak with my walls down. Thanks. Nice to fucking know what kind of person he really is. Niggas really aren’t shit and I know that’s so cliche but that’s reality. In all honesty I hope he wakes up one day lonely as shit realizing all this shit when its entirely too late. You just lost the 4 people (aside from family) who really cared for your ass and tried to look out. Lonely bitch.